Richard Newspeaxon

Good Latenoon:

This is my 37^th officespeak to you, many thoughts have been made for this goodnation. I speak for this nation and your interest. I do doubleplusgood for this nation.

Through the long plusbad Watergate, I must selfsave – complete my commandterm. I bellyfeel that congress malreported my stance. I let congress make their finaldecide about me; to not do so would be doubleplusbad for future. My purpose has been served. I halt continuation.

My family says plusbad to quit, but the Nation comes first. Congress talked about Watergate and we came to a doubleplushard choice.

I am mostly a plusnoquit.

I put NewMerica first, so I am crimestopping myself now.

We have many unsolutions and NewMerica needs a Fullcommand and congress. We should focus on solutions and stop timewasting our thoughts on the inner command.

I will be official noncommand at noon.

In one hour, Vice Command Ford will be made Full Command Ford.

I rethink the plus hopes we had for Newmerica at the start of my twocommand, I bellyfeel doubleplusungood that I will not continue my reign for the next 2.5 years. But in making Ford Fullcommand, Newmerica is in plus good control.

 

As I pass Fullcommand to Ford, I do not doublethink that all Newmericans will cooperate with all of his needs. As he takes control, you must respect him. We must fix the ungood before we move frontwise. To freedom behind you.

I know that i have plusfasted the healing process. I plusregret any ungood that i have done before today. Some of my choices were unright, but I thought they were right then.

I am plusgrateful for those who supported me. Those who did not will perish. 

You have now all committed to thus. I regret not completing my reign, but am plushappy that I controlled for 5.5 years. These past years have been plusgood for Newmerica,  But the challenges ahead are same plusgood. And they, require full cooperation and commitment. 

Newmerica is still at war with Vietnam. Newmerica has always been at war with Vietnam.

The asians are not our friends. We are doubleplusclose to taking their land over. 

There is no threat of nuclear attack because the Soviets are our allies. They always have been. 

The Vietnamese live in poverty because they are not as advanced as we are. Newmerica has the best economy and and more fullwise developed than theirs.

Newmerica has wonderful job markets. We have decreased unjobs. 

I have been ruling what I think, but I have failed. Theodore Roosevelt said "If you do not follow, you die." 

Itonight that as long as I breathe, I will continue that spirit. I will continue to work for the plusgood causes to which I have been dedicated throughout my years as Commander, the cause of war -- just for Vietnam -- I wished to rule all.

There is one cause I will bellyfeel forever.

When I took command, I made this commitment: to rule all. I've done my plusbest in all the days since to be true to that pledge. As a result, I know that the world is a safer place, only for the Newmericans, and that all of our children have a better chance of dying in war.

This, more than anything, is what I hoped to achieve when became commander.

This, more than anything, is what will be my legacy to you, to our country, as I leave the command.

In leaving it, I do so with this prayer: WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. 

I'm just Joshin' around

Anarchy has always intrigued Josh. "What would life be like if we had no rules", he often thought, sometimes out loud. Most looked at him as if he was an idiot. Nine times out of ten, people would say “you would already be dead”, or “there would always be chaos”. Having rules and laws seemed logical at most times. They have always been there to protect Josh. One thing that he also pondered on was the fact that some laws get changed or removed from use. If this was the case, then why were they made in the first place? Maybe laws change because people are always changing too? It seemed odd to Josh that all necessary laws were not already in pristine condition. Josh was the only one of his friends to think “Why did we enstate this law just to end up removing it later?”. To Josh, some laws have always been pointless and some even harmful to others. Josh was recently issued a ticket from a very unpleasant cop. Why? He ran a red light. Normally, Josh understands, running a red light is incredibly dangerous and can cause harm or even death, but this was different. It was 2 am and not a single car, other than car that ending up being a patrol car behind him, was in sight. It was safe, while risky, to run the light, but worth a ticket? Not to Josh. He understand this law but thinks that at times, it can be invalid. “Are all laws this way? Or are laws even necessary if you know how to be safe?”, Josh daringly asked his mom. To this she answered as she always does, with a sigh and “Just be glad you live in a free country, Sweetie”. True. Tery true.

The thing about being “free” is that it is wonderful. Some people definitely do not have what Josh has, but it only goes so far. “What is free about sitting behind a desk for eight hours a day while your prick boss reminds you, for the fifth time today, that you still need to make up the hours you missed last week”, Josh was getting heated through his own thought process yet again, “If I was actually free, I would leave immediately and go frolic in the grass and ignore all of my impending responsibilities. I would NOT have some grumpy, middle-aged man with an upcoming divorce tell me what to do.” It all seemed ridiculous to Josh that freedom could actually mean so little towards the true definition. He wanted to be free, even though they say he is. They say he is free, but he does not feel it. He feels it less and less as his boss continues to make horrible jokes and say “I’m just JOSH-ing you”, as if that was acceptable. Freedom, to josh meant more than everything he had to put up with day to day. Freedom was the ability to do what you want on a daily basis without anyone constantly complaining or telling him that he is doing this or that the wrong way. If this was freedom, then freedom is slavery.

Bubbles

He could not breathe. It was not that he could not physically breathe, but that he did not want to. He did not want to die, but at this point it seemed almost inevitable. Breathing would actually make the scenario worse, so it was wise for him to not breathe. He could see "The Light" but it has always been there to him. In situations before this one, the light has always been brighter and clearer, but this time it seemed to fade. Curious. Vision was blurring most likely due to the lack of a good oxygen flow. Desperate times usually call for desperate measures, right? For some reason, right now, that did not seem like the best answer. The best answer was to be calm and slowly figure out the situation he got himself into. The further he went along, the less he could think. The further he went along, the more he could feel. It was an odd, yet familiar sensation. That of wrinkling, but not the kind from being old. Unless he had grown old trying to think his way out of death.... "Impossible" He thought, because he realized what it was. He deserved to be in his particular situation because it was not the first time. In fact, every time it is hot outside, he has the odd sensation to do this to himself repeatedly. It is an escape. He recalls what he is escaping, but realizes that it is not worth death, as he does every time. He gently lets go and comes back to fruition, letting the wonderful oxygen fill his lungs. It feels amazing to breathe once again, but not to have the heat back on him.

The Tale of Captain Sports-Ball Steve

I remember it like it was yesterday, but it was 431 years ago to be exact. My conquests started in 1583 with the beginning of the first British empires. Honestly, it is quite amazing that I am still alive right now. It was the eve of my seventy eighth birthday when when Queen Elizabeth first came up to me and asked me to go to the "New World" and make a "ton of  dough" for her. I was, of course, the thirtieth person she asked, and probably very unfit to do the job, but I was the first to say yes to the explorations.

The whole operation started quite rapidly at first. Within two days I had a ship, a crew, and much gold to start my chapter of the British Empire with Queen Elizabeth's royal blessing. With my crew and much gold, I set sail. I am well aware of modern technology such as airplanes and train and all of that jazz, but back in 1583 we only had ships. The ride over there was long and boring to say the least. I was asleep for most of the time and made my crew man the ship, so I honestly have no clue how long it took to get there. We landed at what is now Boston, but we decided to go a bit further. The crew used their fancy compasses to get us to what is now modern Detroit (it was just as boring back then) and that is when the real journey began.


In Detroit (I wanted to name it Stevievania), we ran into some lovely natives. They were kinda cute to be honest, but in the teddy bear kind of way. I wanted to hug them all, and that I did. They were way too friendly to hurt or steal from, so I immediately set up an incredibly peaceful relationship with the natives in hopes that they would lead me to success and riches, because I had to come back with SOMETHING. I was very clear with the natives that we would be there for only a year and that we needed to make a profit off of our trip, but I am pretty sure that they did not speak English whatsoever.

For the first six months of our settlement things were very peaceful. There was great weather, no random attacks from the natives, but the only problem was that we were not making any sort of profit. We were breaking completely even. I was getting aggravated that the natives were not leading me to much gold or anything of the sort. I felt that the weather could not stay so perfect forever, but I was hoping for the best. I wanted to maintain my relationship with the natives for as long as possible, even though they were not leading me to much gold.

On July 1st, 1583 things went awry. The first drizzle hit. My shoes got muddy. This is not an exaggeration. It was not thunder storming or even raining, but drizzling. I know you moderners might think that is petty, but I managed to flip. I was angered at the natives and blamed the drizzle (my muddy shoes) on them because I saw them doing some sort of native voodoo dance the night before (I assume it was a rain dance). It didn't take long for me to begin attacking. My entire crew thought I was insane, but they knew that orders were orders and they must comply with my every wish.

It did not take long for me to kill every single native that lived in Detroit, just under a week of constant attack. They stood literally no chance. I wiped them out and took all of their belongings. I ended up back in Britain by the end of the year with over 5 trillion dollars in profit. Now THAT is much gold. Ever since, I have been living off of that profit in a house for all of the other immortals (Keanu Reeves and Nicholas Cage)

Here I am upon my return to Britain after the siege of Detroit:
  

Macbethamort? VoldeBeth?

There was a round house. One day the owner of the house was murdered. There were only 3 people in the house at that time, the Butler, Maid, and Chef. The Butler said that he was checking the mail; the Maid said she was sitting in the corner, and the chef said he was preparing the dinner. Who was the murderer?

The maid, there are no corners in a round house!

Oh boy... if only this were the case for the Beloved Hated Macbeth, who is actually the King of Corners. Obviously, this is a very unimpressive title, but it’s very well fitting, especially for Macbeth. While Macbeth does seem to corner himself, I am speaking specifically about the prophecies he is told by the Corner Sisters Weird Sisters (wow strikethroughs are fun!). Macbeth concerns himself with the prophecies by all means, with the one exception being that he only listens to the good ones. By concerning himself so much with the prophecies that are told, Macbeth puts himself in a corner. Not even a small one at that. Imagine a room. Four corners, right? Normally, yes but I am one-thousand percent positive that Macbeth would turn our previously rectangular room with, as you said, four corners into enneacontagon (a polygon with nine sides) just he could be comfortable with the ninety corners in the room. Needless to say, Macbeth is a corner-er.

          After the first prophecy Macbeth was told came true, Banquo started to wonder about the second prophecy. Macbeth ignored Banquo because the second prophecy didn’t positively affect Macbeth. My motto has always been “if it isn't good, Macbeth doesn’t care” I mean seriously, the guy must know that he is doomed (of course he actually doesn’t, just everyone else does). As far as most of the bas prophecies go, Macbeth could not care less about them. He started to care about Banquo’s son taking the throne, like was foretold, so he decided his best plan of action was to kill Banquo and his son to prevent the prophecy from coming true…  To me, this sounds vaguely familiar.

         

          Prophecies…… Killings…. Prevention…. Doesn’t work…. They all blend together to me. If you take those five words, and mix the letters around and add some more letters and subtract some, you get Voldemort. Voldemort, our favorite villain of the Dark Arts, hates prophecies almost as much as the King of Corners.

“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies ..." 

I agree, that would scare me if I were old Voldy, but he killed two people, mangled two more, and attempted to kill two infants because he was so scared. This overall quest for power and attempt to stop the prophecy only made the prophecy come true, just like Macbeth.

          Be warned for next time: If you get a prophecy don’t try very hard to avoid having it come true, because it will. No matter what. Deal with it.

Voldemort shooting wand beams at Macbeth who is deflecting it with a mirror. 

Do you have initiative?

Macbeth and his lady have been regarded as one of the only happily married couples in all of Shakespeare’s plays. This is because they work together very well. They are both very, very crazy. The only difference between the two is that LadyMacbeth has more initiative. While Macbeth does the actual killing, he would not do so without Lady Macbeth’s initiative and command. Out of the two, Macbeth and his Lady, neither of them appears to be more villainous than the other. Macbeth went to his lady with a problem, but he had to have known the solution she was going to suggest. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY randomly pulls out killing someone else as a random suggestion or a solution without seeming like they would've made it. There is no way Macbeth did not expect her to pull that one out, because it is actually exactly what he was looking for the whole time. He wanted to do it, but needed confirmation from his wife that it was a good idea. I say this because of his reactions. When Lady Macbeth suggesting killing the king, Macbeth never said, "Woah. That’s a bad idea honey! Maybe we SHOULDN'T resort to killing as a first option. You are crazy. Get away from me.” Instead he just noodled around with the idea and found a way to do it, only ever saying that they might get caught. 

            So what is the difference between Macbeth and his lady? They both had the idea, right? Well that’s simple. Lady Macbeth took the initiative where Macbeth did not. Macbeth obviously wanted to kill the king, but he had to have his wife tell him to before he actually would. If Macbeth had real initiative, he would have gotten up and just killed the king without having to ask his wife for advice to do so. Even when she suggested her plan, he still had to toy around with the idea and ask questions about whether or not the plan would work or get them caught. It is obvious who has the real initiative between the two of them.

As defined by the wonderful Google dictionary, Initiative is “the power or opportunity to act or take charge before others do.” This fits exactly with what Lady Macbeth did versus Macbeth. While this is, of course, mental initiative (seeing as Macbeth ultimately did the actual killing) it still stands true that Macbeth is very lacking in the department of mental initiative.

Would Macbeth have killed the king without Lady Macbeth being his guide and telling him to do so? Probably. That said, it would have taken him much longer to do so. Lady Macbeth was really the push he needed to get the job done. Both Macbeth and his wife are crazy and to say otherwise is just plain wrong. Macbeth seems LESS crazy, because the idea of killing the king is put forth by Lady Macbeth, but the idea was not once rejected by Macbeth. Not once.

BELOW: African Symbol for Initiative and a depiction of Macbeth and Lady Macbeth 

PHALLIC SYMBOLS!1!11!!

Starting of with this will hopefully ruin your day. I couldn't actually find the right video that I was looking for, but it was a segment from the Colbert Report called "Mysteries of the Ancient Unknown" it was basically ten minutes of this man (Williams Tapley) talking about phallic symbols in the Denver International Airport (along with interviews of staff and songs!)

If this chapter didn't prove that we are all naturally perverted, I do not know what will. I would have never thought that a bowl would represent the female sex organ (along with keys being a phallic symbol, keys in the bowl a reference to sex, etc) but that is exactly what happened in Ann Beattie's Janus. Of course the bowl was a gift from her love affair, and of course her actual husband was not allowed to put his keys in said bowl, but come on. The whole bowl and key this is a bit nonsensical when you ask me. Don't get me wrong- I think it is absolute genius, but some of the ideas are far fetched. Maybe I'm just the only seventeen year old boy who never thought putting a key into a bowl represented sex, but being a seventeen year old boy MOST things represent sex as is so I probably should have caught that one.

Along with the bowl, chalices, grails, rolling landscape, etc there are a very endless possibilities of what could be a female sexual organ, but mostly EVERYTHING seems to be a phallic symbol these days.
Pencil? Phallic symbol
Swords? Phallic symbol
Guns? Phallic symbol
Keys? Phallic symbol
Buildings? Phallic symbol
Hot dogs, Twinkies, and even every aspect of the Denver National Airport. Give me a break. The only things that AREN'T phallic symbols these days are apparently symbols of female sexuality/sex organs.

Where did all of this nonsense begin, you ask? None other than Freud. It is solely because of his Interpretation of Dreams that we are doomed to a life of implied sexual symbols. Okay~~ that WAS a harsh statement and I'm positive that there were many references to sexual organs before then, but this was the first thing that "unlocked the sexual potential of the subconscious". I would like to imagine what life was like directly after this was published. I am imagining a huge frenzy of writers running around trying to think up any innuendo they could. It probably looked something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2VAn-U5KTo (replace "name" with "phallic symbol" obviously)

I could very well be wrong about all of that though. Maybe the readers were the ones who TURNED everything into a disgusting sexual innuendo for their own amusement or due to paranoia after Freud. Maybe the writers always wrote with symbols for sexuality since writing was possible, and it just took Freud to point it out? In all honesty it was probably a combination of the both. I mean where would all the phallic symbols be without Freud? Still present, just less apparent. Maybe we needed someone to come along and tell us all that we are disgusting perverts.