The Tale of Captain Sports-Ball Steve

I remember it like it was yesterday, but it was 431 years ago to be exact. My conquests started in 1583 with the beginning of the first British empires. Honestly, it is quite amazing that I am still alive right now. It was the eve of my seventy eighth birthday when when Queen Elizabeth first came up to me and asked me to go to the "New World" and make a "ton of  dough" for her. I was, of course, the thirtieth person she asked, and probably very unfit to do the job, but I was the first to say yes to the explorations.

The whole operation started quite rapidly at first. Within two days I had a ship, a crew, and much gold to start my chapter of the British Empire with Queen Elizabeth's royal blessing. With my crew and much gold, I set sail. I am well aware of modern technology such as airplanes and train and all of that jazz, but back in 1583 we only had ships. The ride over there was long and boring to say the least. I was asleep for most of the time and made my crew man the ship, so I honestly have no clue how long it took to get there. We landed at what is now Boston, but we decided to go a bit further. The crew used their fancy compasses to get us to what is now modern Detroit (it was just as boring back then) and that is when the real journey began.


In Detroit (I wanted to name it Stevievania), we ran into some lovely natives. They were kinda cute to be honest, but in the teddy bear kind of way. I wanted to hug them all, and that I did. They were way too friendly to hurt or steal from, so I immediately set up an incredibly peaceful relationship with the natives in hopes that they would lead me to success and riches, because I had to come back with SOMETHING. I was very clear with the natives that we would be there for only a year and that we needed to make a profit off of our trip, but I am pretty sure that they did not speak English whatsoever.

For the first six months of our settlement things were very peaceful. There was great weather, no random attacks from the natives, but the only problem was that we were not making any sort of profit. We were breaking completely even. I was getting aggravated that the natives were not leading me to much gold or anything of the sort. I felt that the weather could not stay so perfect forever, but I was hoping for the best. I wanted to maintain my relationship with the natives for as long as possible, even though they were not leading me to much gold.

On July 1st, 1583 things went awry. The first drizzle hit. My shoes got muddy. This is not an exaggeration. It was not thunder storming or even raining, but drizzling. I know you moderners might think that is petty, but I managed to flip. I was angered at the natives and blamed the drizzle (my muddy shoes) on them because I saw them doing some sort of native voodoo dance the night before (I assume it was a rain dance). It didn't take long for me to begin attacking. My entire crew thought I was insane, but they knew that orders were orders and they must comply with my every wish.

It did not take long for me to kill every single native that lived in Detroit, just under a week of constant attack. They stood literally no chance. I wiped them out and took all of their belongings. I ended up back in Britain by the end of the year with over 5 trillion dollars in profit. Now THAT is much gold. Ever since, I have been living off of that profit in a house for all of the other immortals (Keanu Reeves and Nicholas Cage)

Here I am upon my return to Britain after the siege of Detroit: